Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
