I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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