your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
