I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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