Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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