Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
