I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
