dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
