i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
