Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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