Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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