rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
