Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
