Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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