theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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