Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
