I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
