sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
