i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
