i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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