you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
