I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
