I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
