just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
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