I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
