On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
