I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
