look no pants
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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