no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
