just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We left the knife in your bed.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
