just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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