he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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