Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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