upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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