sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
