apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
