At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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