Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
