i just sold back the books i vomitted on
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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