I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
