swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
