We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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