My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
