Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
