All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
