This is not my ceiling
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
