We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
