FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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