i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
