we made out on top of his cat.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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