it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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