Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
