I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
