I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
