Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
