ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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