Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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